Notes on high to The Bible, by Susan and David von Salis

[I thought you might enjoy a chance to re-vist Susan’s talent for story telling and her sense of humor. This was written by Susan and her brother, David von Salis, in 1988, on the occasion of my friend Deb Moore’s graduation from seminary. I have a vivid memory of Susan and David gleefully putting it together, with Ruth looking over their shoulders, “checking” it all.]

Notes from on high to
The Bible: The Old Testament

At first was nothing.  Then God made the earth and man (Adam) and woman (Eve) and a snake (Snake).  They were naughty, and learned about sin.  Then they were fruitful and multiplied.  Then Abraham learned about circumcision and had two wives.  He was fruitful and multiplied.  Then the Hebrews went into Egypt and Joseph had a coat of many colors and went to Egypt.

Then Moses led them out of Egypt but they left in such a hurry the bread didn’t have time to rise.  Then Moses got the 10 commandments, but they wandered in the desert for 40 years.  Finally they got a map.

They got a lot of laws they had to follow.

     They got a lot more laws.

     Then Moses died.

Then they went into the land of milk and honey and ate a lot and fought a lot.

Judges through Nehemiah
     The Hebrews got exiled out again and fought and went in again; out, in, out, in.  They were fruitful and multiplied.  Lots of different people ruled them, like Judges and Kings.

Ruth and Esther
     Ruth and Esther were the most important women in the Old Testament.  Esther was a queen in King Ahasuerus’ harem.  She saved the Jews from extinction.  Ruth wasn’t a Jew until her husband died during a famine in Moab, and she followed Naomi to Israel.

     Job was a guy who had everything.  He was rich and got on well with God.  One day the Devil told God Job was just a brown–noser who was good about going to church only because there was something in it for him.  So, Satan said, “God, I bet you a month’s salary this guy Job will turn on you if you take his goodies away.”  God said, “You’re on, Bud,” and He took Job’s goodies away.  Job, however, kept on going to church like a goody–goody even though he told God He was pissing him off, and God won the bet.  Of course, Satan was the boss of Hell, so he didn’t have any salary.  Just profit–sharing.

     Then there was a guy named Jonah.  God offered him a good job in Nineveh, but he went the other way and got eaten by a whale.  The whale had indigestion and spat him up, so he took the job in Nineveh.

Psalms and Proverbs
     Some songs and poems about God, saying things like “do not lift up your horn on high, or speak with insolent neck,” (Psalms 75:5), and “Go to the ant, O sluggard” (Proverbs 6:6), which have been the cause of great religious debate for centuries.

Isaiah through Malachi
     Lots of prophets predicted all kinds of awful things like wheels of fire in the sky and gruesome death and destruction.  Oh, they also said a savior would come. (See Revelation and John)

Song of Solomon
     A special love story about a delectable maiden with breasts like the clusters on a palm tree and a young stag with alabaster legs who went into the vineyards to look at pomegranates (read between the lines).

New Testament

     One day Jesus came and took over his father’s business.  He said forget all that fighting and multiplying.  He had a bath with John and then he was crucified, but he came back.  He was three.  He was considered to be one of the most important people in Christianity.
     He groomed 12 apprentices who took over the business.  They each groomed a bunch more.  They were fishermen and groomsmen.
     One of these apprentices was called Paul.  He had a hard life.  Got thrown in jail a lot.  Spent his time writing letters.  This was before telephones.
     One of the 12 apprentices had all these weird dreams about the end of the world.  Lots of fire and smoke.  The Devil was in there, too, and these four guys riding horses.  (See Isaiah through Malachi)

A bunch of nice stories which don’t fit in anywhere or relate to anything.

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